


lets all meet at olive garden for the gay porno afterparty

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:22:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22321762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave and Karkat fight.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 20
Kudos: 212





	lets all meet at olive garden for the gay porno afterparty

KARKAT: HEY STRIDER.  
KARKAT: GET UP.  
DAVE: how come  
KARKAT: JUST DO IT!  
DAVE: naw man  
DAVE: im comfy  
DAVE: im gonna not  
KARKAT: I SAID GET *UP!*  
KARKAT: WE’RE GONNA FIGHT!  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: YOU HEARD ME THE FIRST TIME, STRIDER.  
KARKAT: EVEN IF YOUR THINK PAN HAS TROUBLE KEEPING UP SOMETIMES, I KNOW YOUR EARS WORK PERFECTLY FINE.  
KARKAT: WE’RE FIGHTING, ASSHOLE.  
DAVE: ug why  
DAVE: did i do somethin weird to piss off your stupid troll sensibilities  
DAVE: man i dont even know what that coulda been  
DAVE: did i accidentally step on a sacred flower or some shit  
DAVE: or like insult your ancestors  
DAVE: when i ate that pop tart earlier was that actually your ancestor karkat  
DAVE: are trolls really just highly evolved pop tarts  
DAVE: thatd explain the different color bloods  
DAVE: like youre strawberry  
DAVE: vriskas blueberry  
DAVE: and gamzees wildberry  
DAVE: actually come to think of it im pretty sure wildberry has red filling too  
DAVE: but who cares  
DAVE: that motherfucker looks like a walking wildberry pop tart  
DAVE: so thats what hes gonna be  
DAVE: earths gone anyway  
DAVE: i make the pop tarts now  
DAVE: so whatever  
DAVE: were retconning that shit  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT POP TARTS!  
DAVE: why  
KARKAT: BECAUSE POP TART TIME IS OVER!  
KARKAT: IT’S OVER FOREVER!  
KARKAT: THAT NUMBER HAS BEEN RIPPED OFF THE FACE OF ALL CLOCKS  
KARKAT: BY OFFICIAL DECREE  
KARKAT: FROM ME  
KARKAT: IT NO LONGER EXISTS!  
KARKAT: WHEN IT ROLLS AROUND, TIME CEASES TO BE.  
KARKAT: WE JUST HAVE TO SIT ON OUR ASSES WAITING FOR THE NOTHINGNESS TO PASS AND CHRONOLOGY TO PICK BACK UP AGAIN.  
KARKAT: IT’S BORING AS SHIT, BUT IT’S WORTH IT.  
DAVE: aw man not pop tart time  
DAVE: that was my favorite time of day  
KARKAT: WELL IT’S FUCKING GONE!  
KARKAT: AND ANYWAY, ANCESTORS ARE BULLSHIT.  
DAVE: haha what  
KARKAT: YOU SAID MY ANCESTOR WAS A POP TART.  
KARKAT: AND WHILE THAT’S OBVIOUSLY SOME REGULAR WEAK ASS STRIDER BULLSHIT  
KARKAT: I’M JUST TELLING YOU ABOUT ANOTHER ACTUALLY IMPORTANT LAYER YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW ABOUT.  
KARKAT: WHICH IS THAT THE CONCEPT OF ANCESTORS IN GENERAL IS GENUINE REAL DEAL BULLSHIT.  
DAVE: how is it bullshit  
KARKAT: ANCESTORS AREN’T FUCKING REAL.  
DAVE: ok that makes zero sense  
DAVE: but whatever  
DAVE: are we done here  
DAVE: cuz im gonna head out  
DAVE: hit the kitchen  
DAVE: i just checked my secret subversive watch  
DAVE: that escaped the great karkat purge  
DAVE: i hide it in my ass like christopher walken  
KARKAT: WHAT???  
DAVE: you heard me  
DAVE: gotta keep it safe if im gonna pass it down to my grandkids  
DAVE: keep our religion alive  
DAVE: and oh look  
DAVE: according to it its pop tart o clock right now  
DAVE: what are the odds  
DAVE: see ya  
KARKAT: NO!  
DAVE: oh my god karkat you can come get a pop tart with me if you really want  
KARKAT: I DON’T WANT A FUCKING POP TART, DAVE!  
DAVE: cmon i bet you do  
DAVE: i know i do  
DAVE: weve been talkin about em nonstop  
KARKAT: WELL I DON’T!  
KARKAT: AND WE’RE NOT FUCKING DONE HERE!  
KARKAT: WE HAVEN’T EVEN STARTED!  
KARKAT: WE’RE FIGHTING, REMEMBER??  
DAVE: what the fuck does that even mean  
KARKAT: IT MEANS WE’RE GONNA HAVE AN HONEST TO GOD REAL PHYSICAL FIGHT.  
KARKAT: AN ALL OUT BLOODBATH.  
KARKAT: YOU AND ME.  
KARKAT: RIGHT NOW.  
DAVE: why  
KARKAT: BECAUSE I SAY THAT’S WHAT WE’RE DOING, THAT’S WHY!  
KARKAT: NOW COME ON AND HIT ME!  
DAVE: fuck you  
KARKAT: OK A VERBAL HIT. NOT A BAD START.  
KARKAT: NOW TRY IT AGAIN, THIS TIME LESS WITH YOUR MOUTH AND MORE WITH YOUR STUPID LITTLE STUBBY FRONDS.  
DAVE: no way karkat  
DAVE: im not hittin shit  
KARKAT: UGH, COME ON!  
DAVE: what the fuck even is this man  
DAVE: like  
DAVE: is this some nasty blackrom business  
DAVE: because im not into that for like ten different reasons  
DAVE: each more legitimate and righteous than the last  
DAVE: all stacked on top of each other  
DAVE: like yertle the turtle  
DAVE: in a big pile a nope  
DAVE: its nopes all the way down karkat  
KARKAT: NO, GOD DAMN IT STRIDER!  
KARKAT: I AM *NOT* HITTING ON YOU!  
KARKAT: DESPITE WHAT YOUR DESPERATE, STARVED PSYCHE WANTS TO BELIEVE.  
DAVE: pff  
KARKAT: I’M TRYING TO *TRAIN* YOU!  
DAVE: ...train me?  
KARKAT: YEAH, ASSHOLE, TRAIN YOU!  
DAVE: why  
KARKAT: BECAUSE SOMEDAY WE’RE GONNA HAVE TO FIGHT JACK, THAT’S WHY!  
KARKAT: AND AS IT STANDS NOW WE ARE *WOEFULLY* UNDERPREPARED ON THAT FRONT.  
KARKAT: YOU MORE THAN ANYBODY WITH YOUR STUPID LITTLE SQUISHY HUMAN BODY!  
DAVE: squishy?  
KARKAT: YES! SQUISHY!  
KARKAT: YOU’RE SQUISHY AS SHIT, DAVE, JUST LIKE ALL HUMANS!  
KARKAT: YOU IDIOTS ARE UNBELIEVABLY BEHIND US IN ALL ASPECTS OF PSYCHOLOGICAL AND PHYSICAL COMBAT.  
KARKAT: HOW YOU EVER BECAME YOUR PLANET’S DOMINANT SPECIES I HAVE *NO* FUCKING CLUE.  
KARKAT: I GUESS TECHNICALLY THAT’S ON ME, SINCE I MADE YOU.  
DAVE: aw what  
KARKAT: MAYBE THAT’S WHY I FEEL SUCH A SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY.  
KARKAT: I MEAN JUST BECAUSE OF YOUR INVOLVEMENT, I’VE ALREADY MORE OR LESS RESIGNED MYSELF TO THE FACT THAT WHEN WE DO GET TO THE NEXT SESSION WE’LL BE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY BONED.  
KARKAT: BUT I’LL BE DAMNED IF I LET US GO DOWN WITHOUT SOMETHING AT LEAST RESEMBLING A FIGHT!  
KARKAT: WHICH IS WHY I’VE GOT TO START TRAINING YOU NOW.  
KARKAT: IT’S THE RESPONSIBLE THING TO DO.  
DAVE: oh please karkat youre not bein responsible  
DAVE: youre just bored  
KARKAT: WHAT??  
DAVE: cmon man this meteors boring as shit  
DAVE: youre just flailin around lookin for somethin to do  
DAVE: and surprise surprise  
DAVE: you just so happened to land on the most classic psychologically revealing teen boy activity known to man  
DAVE: “roughhousing”  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: horseplay  
KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.  
DAVE: cmon karkat i mean fuckin boys will be boys knockabout times oh gosh we sure did work up a sweat here didnt we how bout we take our shirts off for this next round just us boys haha yeah its all good clean fun golly how did i never notice the way the sheen of perspiration on your muscles glints in the fuckin moonlight  
KARKAT: DAVE, WHAT THE *FUCK* ARE YOU RAMBLING ABOUT?  
DAVE: just sayin  
DAVE: its telling is all  
KARKAT: TELLING ABOUT WHAT??  
DAVE: oh come on dude  
DAVE: do i really have to spell this shit out  
KARKAT: YES!  
DAVE: im talkin bout wantin to get all grabby and touchy with other dudes under the flimsy ass guise of “manly tussling” because youre “bored”  
KARKAT: OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!  
KARKAT: YES, DAVE! I’M BORED!  
KARKAT: I’M FUCKING BORED AS SHIT!  
KARKAT: BUT UNLIKE YOUR UTTERLY BACKWARD SPECIES, I DON’T NEED TO USE IT AS SOME “CLEVER RUSE” TO HIDE MY OH SO ILLICIT PREDILECTIONS.  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: right  
KARKAT: YEAH. RIGHT.  
KARKAT: I’M SORRY DAVE, I KNOW HOW HARD YOU WORKED ON THAT “EPIC OWN” DESIGNED TO INDUCE SOME KIND OF RIDICULOUS SEXUALITY PANIC.  
KARKAT: WILL YOUR POOR DELICATE EGO BE SHATTERED IF I DON’T PRETEND THIS WAS THE TAKE DOWN OF THE FUCKING SWEEP?  
KARKAT: OK FINE.  
KARKAT: HERE GOES.  
KARKAT: OOOH OUCH!  
KARKAT: MY SENSE OF SELF IS GONE!  
KARKAT: EVERYTHING I EVER HELD DEAR ABOUT MY BIZARRE, TRUMPED UP MASCULINE IDEALS HAS BEEN CRUSHED UNDER THE BLOATED, PUS-FILLED WEIGHT OF THAT EPIC OWN THAT JUST PLUMMETED OUT OF THE SKY AND LANDED SQUARE ON MY POOR UNSUSPECTING BODY.  
KARKAT: I WAS JUST MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS IN THIS BIG EMPTY FIELD, STANDING AROUND SLACK-JAWED LOOKING AT THE FLOWERS, WHEN THIS FUCKING STRIDER47 BOMBER TORE ACROSS THE SKY AND ANNIHILATED ME WITH TEN TONS OF “PWNAGE.”  
KARKAT: CONGRATUFUCKINLATIONS, DAVE!  
KARKAT: YOU GOT ME.  
KARKAT: YOU REALLY EXPLODED MY PSYCHE OPEN AND EXPOSED ME FOR WHAT I AM.  
KARKAT: I’M ATTRACTED TO BOYS, AND I’M BORED.  
DAVE: oh my fucking god dude  
DAVE: if thats not a sentence to start a shitty gay porno i dont know what is  
KARKAT: AUUUGH!  
DAVE: hey if you got a better line karkat id love to hear it  
DAVE: seems like youre a font for this shit  
DAVE: so youre welcome to try  
DAVE: but you know what  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: i think we found it  
DAVE: thats the best one  
DAVE: thats a wrap everybody we got it in the can  
DAVE: lets all meet at olive garden for the gay porno afterparty  
KARKAT: OH MY GOD, DAVE, SHUT UP!!  
KARKAT: WHAT DOES IT MATTER?  
KARKAT: I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT YOU ARE TOO!  
DAVE: whoa wait  
DAVE: hold up  
DAVE: im what  
KARKAT: BORED!!  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: i guess i am  
DAVE: theres nothing to fuckin do here  
DAVE: great fuckin detective work karkat  
KARKAT: HOLY FLAMING WEASEL DICKS ON A CRACKER, STRIDER!  
KARKAT: THAT WAS *YOUR* DETECTIVE WORK!!  
KARKAT: YOU SAID IT NOT THIRTY SECONDS AGO!  
KARKAT: I’M JUST SAYING IT BACK AT YOU VER FUCKING BATUM!  
DAVE: not very original  
KARKAT: FUUUUUUUCK!  
DAVE: the weasel thing was kinda interesting tho  
DAVE: ill give you that one  
KARKAT: DAVE.  
KARKAT: PLEASE.  
KARKAT: BEFORE I LITERALLY CHOKE MYSELF OUT SO I CAN EXPERIENCE A FEW MOMENTS OF BLISSFUL UNCONSCIOUSNESS AWAY FROM YOUR BULLSHIT  
KARKAT: WHY DON’T YOU TRY TO DO IT FOR ME?  
DAVE: what  
DAVE: knock you unconscious  
KARKAT: IF IT’LL GET YOU TO FUCKING MAKE AN EFFORT, THEN YES!  
KARKAT: BASH ME OVER THE FUCKING HEAD!  
KARKAT: COME ON!  
DAVE: naw  
KARKAT: NAW??  
KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK “NAW”??  
DAVE: i donno i think that word explains itself just fine  
DAVE: it doesnt need my help  
DAVE: “naw’s” got this shit in the bag  
DAVE: its a great word  
DAVE: a brave word  
DAVE: standin all on its own  
DAVE: all 300 style  
DAVE: cept instead of 300 grotesquely buff dudes  
DAVE: its just three simple letters  
DAVE: im spellin it n-a-w by the way  
DAVE: wanna make sure each of those letters gets full credit  
DAVE: for when they write all those epic poems about it  
DAVE: maybe you should fight “naw” karkat  
DAVE: i bet itd kick your ass  
KARKAT: NO IT WOULD FUCKING NOT!  
KARKAT: YOU CAN’T KICK MY ASS, DAVE, AND NEITHER CAN YOUR IDIOTIC DEFLECTION, NO MATTER HOW EMPHATICALLY YOU SPELL IT AT ME!  
DAVE: pssh  
KARKAT: JUST GIVE IT A TRY, FOR GOD’S SAKE! LET’S SEE WHAT KIND OF PATHETIC MOVES YOU’VE GOT!  
DAVE: man you prolly saw all my “pathetic” moves on your stupid viewer already  
KARKAT: SURE, I SAW YOU BOOT THE ODD IMP IN A PRINCESS HAT.  
KARKAT: COLOR ME UNIMPRESSED, STRIDER.  
KARKAT: IT’S EXACTLY THAT KIND OF PATHETIC WIGGLER SHIT THAT TELLS ME THERE’S NOT A MOMENT TO FUCKING LOSE IN WHIPPING YOUR SORRY ASS INTO SHAPE.  
DAVE: im not fighting you bro ok  
DAVE: that shit is incredibly weak and a waste of both our times  
KARKAT: HOW THE FUCK CAN FIGHTING BE “INCREDIBLY WEAK,” DAVE?  
KARKAT: THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE.  
DAVE: look i just dont want to  
DAVE: leave me the hell alone  
KARKAT: NO! I’M NOT LEAVING SHIT ALONE!  
KARKAT: COME ON, TAKE A SWING AT ME!  
DAVE: dude no way  
KARKAT: COME ON!  
DAVE: karkat get the fuck away from me  
DAVE: im serious  
KARKAT: I’LL EVEN GO EASY ON YOU!  
DAVE: no you wont  
KARKAT: OK, NO I WON’T.  
KARKAT: BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DAVE, DON’T YOU GET IT?  
KARKAT: IF THIS IS WHAT WE’RE WORKING WITH, WE ARE GONNA BE SO INCREDIBLY FUCKING SCREWED.  
KARKAT: SO COME THE FUCK ON STRIDER!  
KARKAT: JUST!  
KARKAT: FUCKING!  
KARKAT: FIGHT ME!  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: AUUUUUUGH!!!  
DAVE: oh my god  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK?  
KARKAT: WHAT THE *FUCK???*  
DAVE: oh shit oh shit oh shit  
KARKAT: A SWORD??  
KARKAT: YOU BROUGHT YOUR FUCKING *SWORD* TO A FIST FIGHT????  
DAVE: im sorry im sorry  
DAVE: im so sorry karkat  
DAVE: are you ok  
DAVE: please say youre ok  
KARKAT: IM FINE!  
DAVE: oh fuck no youre not  
DAVE: lemme see  
KARKAT: NO!  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: STAY THE FUCK BACK!  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: im sorry  
DAVE: fuck  
DAVE: look  
DAVE: im dropping the sword  
DAVE: its gone  
DAVE: im not gonna hurt you  
DAVE: i wouldnt  
DAVE: i mean i just did  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: i didnt mean to  
KARKAT: I’M NOT FUCKING SCARED OF YOU, ASSHOLE!  
KARKAT: JUST  
KARKAT: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!  
KARKAT: DON’T LOOK AT ME!  
DAVE: oh  
DAVE: oh shit is this about your blood  
DAVE: is it  
DAVE: karkat i know  
DAVE: you know i know  
DAVE: i dont care seriously you know that  
DAVE: i fucking called you a strawberry pop tart earlier  
DAVE: remember?  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: is that what this is?  
DAVE: like are you just worried about your blood  
DAVE: or is it some other shit im missing  
DAVE: please tell me man  
DAVE: im losin it over here i just wanna help  
DAVE: please talk to me  
KARKAT: YEAH IT'S...  
KARKAT: IT’S THE BLOOD.  
KARKAT: I’M SORRY I FREAKED OUT.  
DAVE: YOURE sorry?  
DAVE: YOURE fuckin sorry??  
DAVE: karkat i just sliced your fucking arm open  
DAVE: jesus christ  
DAVE: lemme see  
KARKAT: SIGH.  
KARKAT: FINE.  
KARKAT: IT’S NOT THAT BAD.  
DAVE: holy shit  
DAVE: this isnt that bad?  
KARKAT: NO. I’VE HAD WORSE, TRUST ME.  
DAVE: what  
DAVE: fucking when have you had worse than this man  
KARKAT: I DONNO...  
KARKAT: JACK STABBED ME LOTS OF TIMES IN OUR GAME.  
DAVE: seriously  
KARKAT: YES!  
DAVE: this bad?  
KARKAT: NO, THAT WAS RIGHT IN THE STOMACH ACTUALLY.  
DAVE: what??  
KARKAT: YEAH, AND I WAS FINE.  
DAVE: really?  
KARKAT: YEAH!  
KARKAT: DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT.  
DAVE: dont worry about it  
DAVE: yeah im not gonna fuckin worry about it  
DAVE: the fuckin final boss messed you up more than me  
DAVE: thats great karkat  
DAVE: i am way reassured by that  
KARKAT: OH SHUT UP, HE WASN’T OUR FINAL BOSS.  
KARKAT: HE WAS ACTUALLY KIND OF  
KARKAT: MY FRIEND.  
DAVE: he was your friend?  
KARKAT: YEAH, AND HE STABBED ME TOO!  
KARKAT: IT’S NO BIG DEAL!  
DAVE: this is insane  
DAVE: what youre saying right now is actually insane  
DAVE: you know that right  
KARKAT: HEY COME ON I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU OUT HERE, ASSHOLE!  
KARKAT: I’M JUST SAYING... TROLLS ARE TOUGH.  
KARKAT: WAY TOUGHER THAN YOU FLOPPY MEATSACKS.  
KARKAT: WHICH IS WHY THIS IS SO UH  
KARKAT: SURPRISING.  
DAVE: yeah well  
DAVE: surprise motherfucker  
DAVE: your friends a total whackjob  
DAVE: sorry all your friends arent hidin behind the couch  
DAVE: and we didnt get you a cake with a babe in it or a dude in it or whatever  
DAVE: you just got some grievous bodily harm  
DAVE: and the knowledge you can never fucking turn your back on me  
DAVE: happy fuckin birthday  
KARKAT: DAVE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?  
DAVE: nothin just  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: jesus  
DAVE: im so sorry  
KARKAT: WHY?  
DAVE: why??  
DAVE: i just fucking attacked you man  
KARKAT: NO, *I* ATTACKED *YOU!*  
KARKAT: YOU JUST DEFENDED YOURSELF!  
KARKAT: I MEAN YOU WERE A TOTAL DOUCHE ABOUT IT, BUT HONESTLY THAT’S A GOOD INSTINCT. WE CAN WORK WITH THAT. WE SHOULD ALL DO THAT!  
DAVE: oh my god karkat i wasnt just being a douche  
DAVE: i had no fuckin clue i was gonna do that ok  
DAVE: i know that prolly sounds like im tryna not take responsibility or some shit  
DAVE: but thats not it  
DAVE: this is totally my fault  
DAVE: im just sayin i had no fucking clue  
DAVE: i didnt even know i was taking out my sword  
DAVE: i just...  
DAVE: did it  
KARKAT: REALLY?  
DAVE: yeah man  
DAVE: you came at me and i didnt even blink  
DAVE: i just fuckin whipped out my stupid sword and slashed the bejesus outta your arm  
KARKAT: THAT’S AMAZING!  
DAVE: what??  
DAVE: no its fucking not  
DAVE: that is the exact fucking polar opposite of amazing  
DAVE: why would i want that  
DAVE: why would i wanna be like that  
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?  
KARKAT: SO YOU CAN KICK ASS!  
KARKAT: YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY NOT BE USELESS AFTER ALL!  
KARKAT: THIS IS GOOD FUCKING NEWS, DAVE!  
KARKAT: THIS IS GREAT!  
DAVE: noo its not  
DAVE: it is definitely not  
DAVE: im tellin you  
DAVE: my mind just went fuckin blank  
DAVE: i didnt even know it was you!  
DAVE: i would never  
DAVE: ok you gotta believe me karkat i would never do that  
DAVE: not on purpose  
DAVE: not to you  
DAVE: like oh my god what if id actually really hurt you  
DAVE: what if id fucking-  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: OH my god  
KARKAT: HEY DAVE!!  
KARKAT: HEY!!  
KARKAT: YOU DIDN’T!  
KARKAT: YOU DIDN’T DO ANYTHING ALL THAT BAD!  
KARKAT: I MEAN YOUR INSTINCTS WERE GREAT, BUT IF YOU’RE REALLY NOT GONNA CALM DOWN UNTIL I TELL YOU THAT YOU ACTUALLY SUCKED AT HURTING ME, THEN OK!  
KARKAT: YOU SUCKED AT IT!  
KARKAT: I SWEAR!  
KARKAT: YOU JUST SCRAPED ME UP!  
DAVE: ok no i did not  
DAVE: i cut you really fuckin deep karkat  
DAVE: but uh  
DAVE: thanks for pretending i didnt i guess  
KARKAT: SERIOUSLY, DAVE! STOP WORRYING ABOUT ME!  
KARKAT: TROLLS ARE TOUGH AS SHIT, I PROMISE!  
DAVE: ...you sure  
KARKAT: YES!  
KARKAT: I MEAN LOOK AT ME!  
KARKAT: DON’T I LOOK FINE?  
DAVE: no you dont  
DAVE: you look like youre fuckin bleeding out  
KARKAT: WELL I’M NOT, OK?  
KARKAT: SHIT, I GUESS I AM KIND OF A MESS...  
KARKAT: UH  
KARKAT: DON’T I *SOUND* FINE?  
KARKAT: DO I SOUND LIKE SOMEBODY ON DEATH’S FUCKING DOOR?  
DAVE: i guess not  
KARKAT: YEAH, SEE?  
KARKAT: I’M GOOD!  
KARKAT: ARE YOU GOOD?  
DAVE: define good  
KARKAT: ARE YOU FREAKING THE FUCK OUT?  
KARKAT: DO I HAVE TO GET ROSE IN HERE TO DEAL WITH WHATEVER THIS HUMAN MALARKEY IS?  
DAVE: what the fuck  
DAVE: malarkey  
KARKAT: YES, DAVE. MALARKEY.  
KARKAT: IT’S A WORD I RESERVE FOR ONLY THE MOST FLABBERGASTINGLY INCOMPREHENSIBLE ALIEN HORSESHIT I FIND TRAILING BEHIND MY POOR UNFORTUNATE SHOES.  
KARKAT: SUCH AS OH I DONNO  
KARKAT: KICKING OFF A FIGHT WITH A PRETTY BALLER AND BLOODTHIRSTY MOVE, THEN IMMEDIATELY HAVING A FULL BLOWN PANIC ATTACK OVER IT.  
DAVE: oh  
KARKAT: YEAH, FUCKIN “OH.”  
KARKAT: YOU ARE ALL THE FUCK OVER THE PLACE, DAVE.  
KARKAT: IN TWO DRASTICALLY DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, NEITHER OF WHICH I’VE EVER FUCKING SEEN OUT OF YOU.  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?  
DAVE: you wanna know why im so fucking broken  
DAVE: is that it  
KARKAT: COME ON, I DIDN’T SAY THAT.  
KARKAT: BUT UH.  
KARKAT: I GUESS I *AM* CURIOUS...  
DAVE: yeah i bet  
DAVE: you wanna know why i fucking whipped out a sword on my friend and didnt even know i was doin it right  
KARKAT: UH.  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: THAT.  
KARKAT: THAT’S WHAT I WANNA KNOW.  
DAVE: ha  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: jesus  
DAVE: ok  
DAVE: ok so contrary to popular belief  
DAVE: and by that i guess i mean just you  
DAVE: what you were saying earlier  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: im not just some weak little squishy idiot who doesnt know his ass from the wrong end of his sword  
DAVE: and like  
DAVE: your whole dumbass little “training” session is not at all an unfamiliar thing to me  
DAVE: its actually like  
DAVE: incredibly fucking familiar  
DAVE: like dangerously close to verging on all ive ever known territory  
KARKAT: REALLY?  
KARKAT: BUT I NEVER UM.  
KARKAT: DAVE, I NEVER SEE YOU FIGHT.  
DAVE: yeah because it fucking sucks is why  
DAVE: i goddamn hate it  
DAVE: and i suck at it  
DAVE: god i sucked at it so much back home  
DAVE: i was just never not getting my ass handed to me  
KARKAT: BY WHO?  
DAVE: my bro  
DAVE: or you know my fuckin lusus or whatever  
DAVE: whatever i gotta say to make you understand without projectile vomiting everywhere at the mere mention of “family”  
KARKAT: OK, OK.  
KARKAT: SO YOUR BRO.  
KARKAT: HE WOULD TRAIN YOU?  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: he was like  
DAVE: INCREDIBLY concerned with making sure i could fight  
DAVE: and honestly now im halfways convinced its cuz he knew what was coming  
DAVE: like he was actually just preparing me for the game all along  
DAVE: i dont know how he coulda fucking known  
DAVE: but in retrospect it kinda makes a lot of sense  
DAVE: in a totally batshit and unexplainable way  
DAVE: heh  
DAVE: honestly batshit and unexplainable are two pretty fucking good words to describe him  
DAVE: like there was more goin on obviously  
DAVE: like some truly bizarre specific details youd need to fill out his whole “personality”  
DAVE: but just those two words i think would get you a good 85 percent of the way there  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: but it turns out he didnt actually know shit  
DAVE: since all i did in the game was play the goddamn crocodile stock market  
DAVE: then i went on a fuckin suicide mission which i guess was brave or whatever but all i had to do was hold still and get in the blast radius of an explosion the size of a literal sun  
DAVE: thats not exactly hard like you cant really screw that up  
DAVE: although i guess since it was a suicide mission and im still alive i technically kinda DID screw it up  
DAVE: like definitionally  
DAVE: and now look at me  
DAVE: i just sit around on my ass on a meteor with a fun kid who likes movies  
DAVE: and we yell at each other about pop tarts  
DAVE: thats all i got goin on now  
DAVE: yep really glad i devoted all 13 years of my life to preparation for this  
DAVE: it was definitely all worth it  
DAVE: so happy i learned the fuckin way of the blade  
DAVE: i just almost accidentally killed my best friend  
DAVE: really fulfilled my destiny as a warrior there  
DAVE: i can fuckin diminish into the west now  
DAVE: and remain galadriel  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: nothin  
DAVE: but um yeah  
DAVE: thats really all you need to know  
DAVE: my entire childhood consisted mostly of just fucking combat training and war games  
DAVE: with a grown ass adult  
DAVE: oh yeah thats another thing  
DAVE: like my bro wasnt also a kid  
DAVE: he was fuckin 40 or somethin  
DAVE: or  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: ok now that i think about it  
DAVE: i dont actually know how old he was  
DAVE: ha  
DAVE: it literally just occurred to me how fucking bizarre that is  
DAVE: i feel like most people know how fucking old their family members are  
DAVE: like at least roughly  
DAVE: especially if theyve only got one  
DAVE: shit  
DAVE: i dont think thats on me either  
DAVE: like i wasnt just some dumb kid who didnt pay attention  
DAVE: we didnt do birthdays  
DAVE: or parties  
DAVE: we didnt do  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: talking  
DAVE: really  
DAVE: haha wow yeah i have no idea how fucking old he was  
DAVE: i just remember him always seeming like an adult  
DAVE: but who the fuck knows  
DAVE: maybe thats just my distorted understanding cuz i was little  
DAVE: he was way older than me anyway  
DAVE: im sure about that  
DAVE: and he was just always training me  
DAVE: always making me fight  
DAVE: for as long as i can remember  
DAVE: he wanted me to be “ready”  
DAVE: i never knew what the fuck that meant  
DAVE: now i guess i do  
DAVE: it meant he wanted to make damn fucking sure that if anyone came at me like you just did  
DAVE: id react the way that uh  
DAVE: that i just did  
KARKAT: OH.  
DAVE: yep  
DAVE: shit you musta seen it on your stupid little trollian monitors  
DAVE: you know what im talkin about  
KARKAT: ACTUALLY, UM  
KARKAT: I DIDN’T REALLY WATCH YOU ALL THAT MUCH, DAVE.  
DAVE: oh  
KARKAT: I’M SORRY.  
DAVE: no thats ok  
DAVE: thats fine  
KARKAT: I MEAN I DID WATCH YOU SOME!  
KARKAT: BUT WHEN I DID, I DIDN’T REALLY SEE ANY FIGHTING.  
KARKAT: I’M NOT SAYING I DON’T BELIEVE YOU OR ANYTHING!  
KARKAT: JUST  
KARKAT: THE TIMES I DID SEE YOU YOU WERE PRETTY MUCH JUST ALWAYS IN YOUR ROOM.  
DAVE: yeah well maybe there was a reason for that  
DAVE: you ever see me out and a fucking bout  
DAVE: ever see me with my bro at all  
DAVE: pallin around  
KARKAT: I GUESS NOT.  
DAVE: yeah  
KARKAT: I’M SORRY, DAVE.  
DAVE: yeah well there you go  
DAVE: thats why im not really jazzed about fucking “training” with you karkat  
DAVE: and for what its worth im sorry  
DAVE: because what you were sayin probably does make some sense  
DAVE: it makes a lotta fucking sense actually  
DAVE: like we prolly SHOULD be staying on our toes  
DAVE: honing our skills or whatever  
DAVE: but  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: im not gonna  
DAVE: im sorry  
DAVE: maybe im being a bitch  
DAVE: maybe im fucking dooming us all  
DAVE: but im just not gonna fucking do it  
DAVE: i am never fucking “training” again  
DAVE: at least not with a fucking sword  
DAVE: or a half broken sword or whatever the hell if fates gonna try to get me with some bullshit loophole im nippin that one in the bud right now  
DAVE: and ok fine im not gonna just let everybody down  
DAVE: like when the time comes i guess ill do what needs done  
DAVE: or at least try  
DAVE: but in the meantime i am not doing any more FUCKING combat training  
DAVE: and i dont want you fucking trying to make me either  
DAVE: and this isnt just some petulant oh dont try to talk me into it bullshit karkat  
DAVE: where i actually secretly wanna do it  
DAVE: and youre eventually gonna wear me down  
DAVE: cuz its not gonna work ok  
DAVE: you are genuinely not gonna convince me  
DAVE: but more importantly  
DAVE: like most importantly more important than anything  
DAVE: is that i really really dont wanna hurt you  
DAVE: so karkat you gotta promise me youre never gonna come at me like that again  
KARKAT: DAVE...  
DAVE: please  
DAVE: karkat  
DAVE: im serious man  
DAVE: i dont care how fuckin tough you think you are  
DAVE: just please promise me  
KARKAT: OK! OK, I PROMISE!  
DAVE: good  
DAVE: thanks  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: yeah i think  
DAVE: i think im just gonna devote the next three years to the firm belief that i can kill jack with shitty movie trivia and can stacking acumen  
DAVE: im gonna train the everloving shit outta myself on those fronts  
DAVE: just gonna work under the impression that i can make a big pyramid of canned corn and quote the entire fuckin love actually monologue where the guy holds up the cards at keira knightley  
DAVE: jack wont fuckin know what hit him  
DAVE: cuz i am not fuckin fighting anybody on this meteor  
DAVE: especially not you  
DAVE: promise me youre not gonna try to make me  
KARKAT: I ALREADY DID PROMISE, DAVE!  
DAVE: yeah well  
DAVE: i donno  
DAVE: fuckin promise harder  
KARKAT: OK.  
KARKAT: FINE.  
KARKAT: ...  
KARKAT: I INVOKE CRAVDOS K’HULIAN.  
DAVE: what  
KARKAT: YOU HEARD ME.  
KARKAT: CRAVDOS K’HULIAN.  
KARKAT: IT’S THE HARDEST KIND OF PROMISE ON ALTERNIA.  
DAVE: ...  
DAVE: is that real  
DAVE: no  
DAVE: bullshit  
DAVE: theres no fucking way thats real  
KARKAT: IT’S SO REAL, DAVE.  
KARKAT: IT’S A REALLY HARD PROMISE.  
KARKAT: FOR REALLY HARD DUDES.  
DAVE: oh fuck you  
KARKAT: I’M SORRY DAVE!  
KARKAT: I DO PROMISE, OK?  
KARKAT: I WAS JUST TRYING TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD A LITTLE.  
DAVE: yeah great  
KARKAT: LOOK, I REALLY WON’T COME AFTER YOU LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN.  
KARKAT: I MEAN IT’S IN MY BEST INTEREST TOO.  
KARKAT: I DON’T WANNA FUCKING GET STABBED AGAIN!  
DAVE: auugh  
KARKAT: NO HEY SHH.  
KARKAT: IT’S FINE, IT’S FINE.  
KARKAT: YOU BARELY HURT ME, OK?  
KARKAT: I HARD PROMISE THAT, TOO!  
DAVE: hmph  
KARKAT: AND I’M REALLY SORRY.  
DAVE: yeah for what  
KARKAT: THAT YOU HAD TO, YOU KNOW.  
KARKAT: GROW UP LIKE THAT.  
KARKAT: AND THAT I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT IT.  
DAVE: yeah well its not exactly like i told you or anything  
KARKAT: I GUESS YOU DIDN’T.  
KARKAT: BUT I’M STILL SORRY.  
DAVE: man  
DAVE: this sucks  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: just  
DAVE: cmon karkat  
DAVE: you grew up on fuckin hellmurder planet  
DAVE: and even YOU think my upbringing was fucked  
DAVE: what am i supposed to do with that  
KARKAT: I DON’T REALLY KNOW THAT MUCH ABOUT IT, DAVE.  
KARKAT: I DON’T *KNOW* THAT IT WAS FUCKED.  
DAVE: yeah  
DAVE: but  
DAVE: it was  
KARKAT: OH.  
KARKAT: WELL THEN.  
KARKAT: MAYBE...  
KARKAT: MAYBE YOU JUST NEED TO ADMIT THAT YOUR UPBRINGING WAS FUCKED.  
KARKAT: IS THAT SO BAD?  
KARKAT: ADMITTING THAT, I MEAN?  
DAVE: i donno  
KARKAT: I’M SORRY.  
DAVE: yeah me too  
DAVE: do we have to keep talking about this right now  
KARKAT: NO. IT’S FINE.  
KARKAT: WE DON’T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.  
KARKAT: EXCEPT TAKE CARE OF THIS BIG FUCKING GASH ON MY ARM.  
KARKAT: WE DO KIND OF HAVE TO DO THAT.  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: your poor fucking arm  
DAVE: oh jesus  
KARKAT: NO SHHH!  
KARKAT: IT’S OK! REALLY!  
KARKAT: THAT WAS A JOKE!  
DAVE: a joke  
KARKAT: YEAH. TROLL HUMOR.  
DAVE: oh my god troll humor is the worst  
DAVE: i fucking hate troll humor  
KARKAT: HAHA. YEAH, YOU’RE RIGHT.  
KARKAT: LET’S JUST STICK TO TEN FUCKING LAYERS OF IRONY.  
KARKAT: THAT’S BOTH FUNNIER *AND* WAY MORE ACCESSIBLE.  
DAVE: fuck you karkat yes it is  
KARKAT: LOOK DAVE.  
KARKAT: WE DON’T HAVE TO TALK MORE NOW.  
KARKAT: THAT’S FINE.  
KARKAT: BUT IF YOU WANT TO LATER...  
KARKAT: WE CAN.  
DAVE: ...thanks  
KARKAT: YOU’RE WELCOME.  
DAVE: god im so sorry i did this to you  
DAVE: seriously karkat  
DAVE: you have no idea  
KARKAT: HEY. I TOLD YOU. I’VE HAD WORSE.  
KARKAT: NOW COME ON AND HELP ME CLEAN THIS SHIT UP.  
DAVE: ok  



End file.
